The Great Lawnmower Escapade

[Don Allenbaugh]

Had this sent to me and had to pass it on:

Installation of electric fencing

Thought y'all should read this in case you're

thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few

months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically

in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric

fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply

had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into

the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you

have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo

Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken

and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I

unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire

and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It

seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after

all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running

lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire

in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the

size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down

cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing

I notice is my privates trying to climb up the front side of my

body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the

lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every

time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel

the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the

engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS

lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and have an orgasim at the same

time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,

but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of

a second . It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time

is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you

just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes

in between but in reality it was so closetogether it was like

exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)

into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around

the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a

farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always

had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that

were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not

let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting

signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river

bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and

take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'darn!,' I think,

as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting

to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had

some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee,

semen, and with my privates on my chest I think 'Oh God, please

die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy

cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI

motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%

humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill

me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered

in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity

had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower

was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I

was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I

had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot

were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still

holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in

the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon

waking from my electrically induced coma I realized a few

things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right

butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not

smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I

think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or

something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My privates are still smaller than average yet they are

almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while

thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for

things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I

always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged

before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over

the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system

will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling

all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I

mow.