Beesons secret story

[Rusty]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 5th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for the boss. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the boss what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my killer Yorkies looking on intently (trusting little souls) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping one of the killer Yorkies (for a fraction of A second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to the boss to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Was I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, the killer Yorkies looking on with their head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF #%*, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION #%$&**$#!$$!%!*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, Picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The killer Yorkies were standing over me making whimpering sounds that I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to themselves "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits

(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Note: This was sent to me via email by an unknown author. I have changed the names to bring humor to a good story teller.

[LostMyWife]

And now we know what really hurt Beeson's knee

[jdmidwest]

I think that is why I took up fly tying to relieve the winter boredom, less painful. Good thing he did not buy her a pistol for self defense.....................

[davekeim]

Russ, you are a piece of work! A tazer for the anniversary! WOW! I still would have zapped the dog. Flowers are less painful. Good thing you didn't decide on a gun.

Signed,

Cardiac

[Kansas Fly Fisher]

I'm still hurting from the laughing! The image in my mind right now is priceless! Great story!

John

[brittsnbirds]

Russ, Russ, Russ-

I've read that before, but the fact that you personalized it, I'm still laughing to myself.

The truth of the matter is, they work! I've seen em! My Department want's all of us to get Tazer certified. Guess what this ole man hasn't and probably will not. I hate electricity. They are trying to get a new classification of Master Patrol Officer established. One of the criteria is you have to be Tazer and Bean Bag gun certified. Well until they take the tazing you part out of it, Mac Daddy isn't going for the extra little 5 percent raise. And as far as the bean bag thing goes, I've seen them shot also and guess what I'm not catching no bean bag either, no way! Leave that to the rookies with all that testotarone and stuff!

"That there was funny I don't care who you are!"

[Kansas Fly Fisher]

I agree with you Britts! BTW, nice looking dogs! I'm a paramedic in SE Kansas and we stood by while the local department got "tazer certified." It did not look pleasant at all! Thank god we don't carry them. I do like the idea of my wife being able to carry one for personal protection though. Just not sure if I want her to. I can see it now, waking up in the middle of the night flopping around like a fish out of water and her standing over me with "that glare." My wife may be small, but she's sneaky!

John

[brittsnbirds]

They are talking as if we don't have to take the ride, just watch the effects. I've been called a lot worse things than a wimp before. I remember getting Maced when I was trained with that stuff. One thing Mace taught me was know which way the wind is blowing!!

Where abouts in SE Kansas? My brother in law has a farm up by Blue Mound just West of LaCygne.

[MrDucky]

Mrs. Ducky here, and may I point out that the wife in question never received said gift? The anonymous benefactor did this to himself! We may be sneaky, but we are not stupid!