Encounters With...

[Al Agnew]

So okay, I admit it, I can sometimes be a bit of a hypochondriac. But I really do have this big lump on my hip. And it was time for my annual checkup. And it really was time for a....ugh....colonoscopy.

So last week I go to get the check-up. Blood work. EKG. Urine sample. Then I get weighed and the doc looks me over real good. Looks at the hip. Hmm. Probably oughta have an MRI on that thing. Looks in my records. Hmm. It's been ten years since your last colonoscopy. Oughta get one. Looks in my ears. Hmm. You got massive ear wax buildup. He tries to get it out. Hmm. Your ear canals are exceedingly narrow...I can't get it. Better go to an ear, nose, throat guy.

So, this was the week for dealing with high tech medicine. Monday. MRI on the hip. Even had an MRI? They slide you into this huge honking machine that is making all kinds of strange noises even before they turn it on. You're lying there with smooth gray metal about two inches from your nose. The claustrophobic (of which my wife is one but I'm not) freak out about the time they get all the way in. Especially when they tell you it's gonna take at least a half hour. Cranks up the music in your earphones til it almost hurts, because the machine is gonna be loud.

For the next half hour, you lie perfectly still and about 15 kinds of very loud thumps and thrums vibrate throughout your body. Pause between each series. Nope, not done yet, another series, different sounds. Finally done? Nope, voice comes over the earphones, "Radiologist says we need one more set of pictures." About this time I'm thinking, uh-oh, that can't be good.

Finally it's over. Nurse comes in, slides me out like a slab of meat, takes off the earphones, and says, "It's nothing. He says it just looks like a lot of skin."

Lot of skin???? I tell her to feel it, it's a lump the size of a walnut. Yep, it is, but it definitely isn't cancerous. Probably a lipoma.

Okay. One worry stricken from the record, to the tune of about $500 after insurance.

Go straight from there to the ear guy...who we can't find...because his office is in the cancer wing of the hospital for some strange reason. An hour of sitting and waiting and filling out paper, five minutes in his office, and that's taken care of. To the tune of another $75.

So today is the big one. Colonoscopy. I've had one of those once before, ten years ago. I remembered the nasty stuff I had to drink gallons of the night before to clean everything out. I wasn't looking forward to it. And the old hypochondria had set in big time and I was sure they'd find something awful.

Things have changed in ten years. Over the counter laxative, that you mix with Gatorade and drink...gallons of it. Well at least four 16 ounce bottles in less than three hours, after taking laxative pills. Doesn't taste bad...in fact, it actually seemed to improve the taste of the Gatorade until I got to the last bottle, which I could barely choke down. And it didn't seem to be working. I puttered around, waiting for the bomb to drop, but nothing. Then, two hours after the last bottle, the bomb definitely dropped. Over and over and over and over...half the night.

Procedure is early. Gotta drive the hour and fifteen minutes to St. Louis and be there by 6:45 AM. Bomb is still dropping when I wake up at 4:30. Bomb is still dropping at 5:15, just before we leave. Thankfully it holds off on the drive, but drops again when we get there. Nurse says not to worry, they have a suction thingy on the scope if they need to use it.

I get into the backless gown, get wheeled into the operating room. Doctor is in a meeting, it'll be a little while before he comes in. He finally shows up. And proceeds to tell me ALL the myriad of things that can go wrong or that they can find, and how screwed you are if any of that happens. Heart monitor goes from beep...beep...beep, to beepbeepbeepbeep.

When I'd had it done before, they gave me a sedative that didn't put me out, but made me simply not care what happened. Pretty good drugs. This time, they said no, we now put you all the way to sleep. Okay, how long until it takes effect? Oh, within a couple minutes. Sure, I'm wide awake, there's no way it's going to________.

I wake up like I'm in my own bed. Wide awake. Clock on the wall says 8:30. Geez, they started the thing at 7:30, and they told me it would probably take til 9:00. Uh-oh. Probably saw my guts rotted out and just closed up shop early. Doctor leans over me. "All clear, everything's normal."

Whoopee! The load has been lifted. I'm healthy as a horse. I got 30 more years at least.

I have no idea what that cost. But...it was worth it.

[jdmidwest]

C'mon Al, nobody likes a good looking corpse...

I just sharpened a pocket knife, maybe Gavin can donate the Scotch, and we can work on that Lipoma. I was pre med in college and I don't think I have killed all of those brain cells yet.

Good to hear all is good.

[stlfisher]

Glad everything checked out ok. I hate the doctor, but I do force myself to go.

I have had a few MRI's to diagnose a torn ACL,MCL, and meniscus. The hardest part for me was staying still while they were taking the different sequences. Moving distorts the images...and they have to take them again....and the technologist is quick to tell you to stay still! They can be noisy and there is not much room in them. However, the way they work is actually very safe when compared to standard xray etc. The noise you hear is caused by a large magnet that is enclosed in the tube. You want to make sure to tell them if you have any metal in your body...as that would be a bad deal.

[eric1978]

LOL Classic stuff, Al. Glad your walnut won't be killing you.

[taxidermist]

Glad you seem to be fine, but they forgot to check out the walnut in your head!

Had a Colonoscopy once. While laying there I could see the TV or monitor if you will. I was thinking thats just wrong leaving the picture of the guy before on the screen, he sure has a hairy rearend, then I see the Dr walk into the room on the monitor and realize, ah crap that me! and the drugs hit.

Wait until you get the endoscope! You wake up read the report and it says something about a French Boogie Dialtor.

[Gavin]

Glad your OK...dont think scotch would be a good anisthetic...but I have a veteranarian friend who lives on the banks of the Big near Cedar Hill...I'm sure he could load you up on horse traquilizers and make quick work of that lipoma...might even catch a smallmouth or two...

[jdmidwest]

Put that lipoma on a big treble hook and catch a nice big catfish with it....

[taxidermist]

Back down in the batcave I do have some novacaine stored for emergencies.

We could all gather at Lillies and have a party and remove that sucker for ya! I have scalpels and am pretty darn good with stitches!!!!! Even the plastic surgeon said I had the best stitches he has ever seen.

All in favor of having some hot weather fun and the sign is in the feet if you are superstitious!

[rps]

When I had my colonoscopy, I was not "out." The part I remember is the three mothers of my students, all younger than I, discussing me with my doctor as he performed the procedure. Small towns are interesting.

Glad all is well.