1. When one door closes and another door opens, you may be in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I run like the winded.
13. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
14. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
15. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
16. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll really freak you out.