Just funny stuff

[Johnsfolly]

A DEA officer showed up at a ranch that they suspected that there might be some illegal crops being grown. The rancher met the officer and said that the could look over the entire ranch if he wanted. The rancher pointed to a fenced off field a stated that the officer could not go into that field. The officer shoved his badge into the ranchers faced and shouted "You see this badge! I can and will go where ever I want with this badge and you or no one else can stop me!"

The rancher said that he could search wherever he needed to and that he had nothing to hide. Then he went back to work as the officer began his inspection. About a half hour later the rancher saw the officer in the fenced off field running and screaming. He was being chased by a very large and very angry bull. The rancher went to the fence and shouted "Show him your badge! Show him your badge!"

[Johnsfolly]

A wealthy blonde woman walks into a New York city bank and asked for a $5000 short term loan. When asked what she wanted the loan for she replied that she was going to be travelling for two weeks and needed the money. The banker asked her how she would secure the loan. She said that she would use her $120K Mercedes as collateral. The banker agreed and said that they would need to impound the car until she repaid the loan and its interest. They completed the transaction.

Two weeks later the woman returned to the bank and repaid the loan plus the $120 of interest. The banker laughed and said that she is a blonde and how dumb it was for her to pay $120 to borrow $5K for two weeks. Nonplussed the woman stated where else could she park her car in NY city for two weeks and only pay $120!

[rps]

Sorry if this has been posted here before. I did not read all the pages.

 

[rps]

priceless

 

[ness]

14 minutes ago, rps said:

priceless

 

Was just describing this to a friend the other day. Hilarious!

[Terrierman]

On 3/22/2020 at 5:24 AM, Johnsfolly said:

Saw a Buddy Hackett video with a few old farmer jokes he did on the tonight show. Here's my favorite.

A hunter was duck hunting near a farm. Some ducks come flying over and he shoots one. The bird crumples and falls onto the barn and onto the ground. He runs over to get the duck. The farmer stops him and says that the duck is on his property and it's his duck. The hunter argues that he shot the duck and it's his. The farmer tells the hinter that they will settle this by the farm code. The hunter asks what that is and the farmer says that they will take turns kicking each other in the groin. Then the last man standing gets to keep the duck. The hunter reluctantly agreed to the contest. Since the duck was on his property the farmer says that he would go first. The farmer was a large strong man. He kicked tbe hunter with all that he could muster. The hunter crumpled to the ground and rolled around in significant pain. After a bit he was able to gain his composure and weakly get to his feet. As he stood up he said my turn and got ready to kick the farmer. Before he could go the farmer says "you win! You can keep the duck!" 😂

The video is hilarious and a must see.

That is an old classic that it still funny today.

[ness]

On 3/22/2020 at 5:24 AM, Johnsfolly said:

Saw a Buddy Hackett video with a few old farmer jokes he did on the tonight show. Here's my favorite.

A hunter was duck hunting near a farm. Some ducks come flying over and he shoots one. The bird crumples and falls onto the barn and onto the ground. He runs over to get the duck. The farmer stops him and says that the duck is on his property and it's his duck. The hunter argues that he shot the duck and it's his. The farmer tells the hinter that they will settle this by the farm code. The hunter asks what that is and the farmer says that they will take turns kicking each other in the groin. Then the last man standing gets to keep the duck. The hunter reluctantly agreed to the contest. Since the duck was on his property the farmer says that he would go first. The farmer was a large strong man. He kicked tbe hunter with all that he could muster. The hunter crumpled to the ground and rolled around in significant pain. After a bit he was able to gain his composure and weakly get to his feet. As he stood up he said my turn and got ready to kick the farmer. Before he could go the farmer says "you win! You can keep the duck!" 😂

The video is hilarious and a must see.

I know this joke. Maybe not the exact joke, but the basics. What’s important is hearing it told by Buddy Hackett.  As I think about it I actually feel a little sorry for anybody who hasn’t heard him tell a joke. Gonna Google him later. Need an easy laugh. 

[rps]

Zeb was bored from being sheltered at home and face timed his friend Mort to chat while they drank beer.

Later in the evening Mort complained about not being able to go out and hook up with women.

Zeb answered, "East for you to say. When we go out I never seem to hook up."

Sadly shaking his head, Mort explained:

"It's a matter of science, Zeb. Look, every town or city has a number. That number is the result of the single women that live there. If out of every 100 single women who live there, you would only go home with 50, then the town would have a number of 2. You see? 100 over 50 is 2. For example Hollywood would have a number1.25 because 80 out of 100 would be worth going home with. Ft. Sill, Oklahoma, on the other hand, probably has a number like 6.25 because only 16 out of 100 would be worth it. Understand so far?"

"Yeah, I got it. But what about you getting lucky so much more often than me?"

"Well, that's because there is another part of the equation. The choosing factor. The women have a say in the deal too. The choosing factor is the number of women that need to be in the bar for there to be one who would be willing to hook up with you. For someone like Brad Pitt, his number would be 3 or 4.  For someone like me, it might be in the 20 to 30 range. Are you still with me?"

"Ok. What's left?"

From there on, it's only a matter of calculation. You multiple the city or town number by the choosing number, and that's the number of single women you need in the bar before you have good odds of hooking up. This town is around a 2, and let's say my choosing number is 20. That means there need to be 40 single women there for me to have a good chance. Makes sense doesn't it?"

Zeb mulled that over for a bit, then asked, "But that doesn't really explain why I don't get lucky, does it?"

"Sure it does! There aren't any bars around here that have 374 women, are there?"

[rps]

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky. The bartender pours him two fingers and slides the popcorn basket next to the drink. He picks up the bill on the bar and turns to the register. A moment later he returns and places the change in front of the customer. As he begins to turn away, the customer speaks.

            “Say, I’m new in town. What can I find for entertainment around here?”

            Immediately on his guard, the bartender faces the man and looks him over.

            “What kind of entertainment would you be seeking?”

            “Oh nothing like that tone of voice. I mean music, maybe dancing. Something besides a CD list, you know?”

            The bartender relaxes noticeably. He shrugs his shoulders and tilts his head for a moment. Then he answers.

            “Well, it is Monday. You can see how slow it is here. All the joints in this area are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday for live shows. Not much choice, unless you’re willing to take the train into town.”

            “Nah. I don’t want to take the train in. I just wanted a few drinks and something besides radio music. Enough days on the road and even live classical would sound good.”

            The bartender eyes him again. Finally, looking as if he’s made a decision, the bartender bends over and reaches under the bar. First he pulls out a miniature baby grand piano with both hands. He places the black lacquered instrument on the bar. Next comes a stool. On the third reach, he places a foot tall musician in white tie and tails on the bar. The small man has long blond hair and that unmistakable attitude you see at the concert hall.

            The man walks to his instrument, flips his tails, and sits. After a pregnant pause, he reaches to the keyboard and begins. For ninety minutes the most beautiful piano works come forth. Chopin, Debussey, and Mozart flow. Between pieces the bartender refills the customer’s glass and when no other customers come in, the bartender joins him for a jar. At the conclusion of the concert, the customer is on his feet, clapping and repeating bravos. He turns to the bartender.

            “Wherever did you find him? He’s magnificent. ”

Before answering, the bartender places the instrument, the stool, and the musician back under the bar. He puts both hands on the bar and ruefully begins.

            “I didn’t find him. I won him.”

            “Won him?”

            “Yeah. You see, one day I was over by the park, on the way back from visiting a friend. The rain finally stopped, and there it was, the grandest rainbow you ever saw. I couldn’t help myself. I turned and headed for where the rainbow ended. As I got closer I hunkered down and walked real quiet. Me and Paddy had downed a few, but I was still fine for sneaking. Finally I peeked over a hill, and there he was.”

“Now, I can tell from the look on your face you don’t believe me, but I swear the little green man was dancing there at the end of the rainbow. I remembered all the things I heard while I was growing up. I decided then and there to try and catch the man.”

“You found a leprechaun?”

“Isn’t that what I’m saying? I found him alright. I got down on my belly and slithered real slow towards him. After a while he danced near enough to reach. I jumped him, and then it began. He may have been no bigger than my piano player, but he was strong. Stronger than anyone I’ve wrestled since I was a schoolboy. We tore up the ground in the park, digging up rocks the size of refrigerators and rerouting the brook and all. I was a grand match. Finally, I tried a throw. When it worked, and he went down, I could not believe my eyes. He burst into tears. He looked up at me and says with a brogue, ‘Now I suppose you’ll be wanting my gold?’ I told him ‘Why sure, I would’ and then he fooled me.”

“Fooled you?” The customers question came as if on cue.

“He made me an offer. He told me he would grant whatever wish I might have, if only he could keep his gold. At first I turned him down. It seemed a powerful lot of gold. But then he kept making suggestions about what I could wish for. They got wilder and wilder. It finally dawned on me he meant it when he said anything. That was my mistake. I got to thinking. After a while, I told him I’d take his deal. We shook on it, and I told him what I wanted. I just wish he hadn’t been so old.”

“Old?”

“Why sure. He must have been mostly deaf. You don’t think I asked for a 12 inch pianist, do you?”

The customer reaches into his pocket, peels three twenties, throws them on the bar, turns, and walks out without a word.                 

 

 

 

[rps]

After a long career abroad, Father Mulcahey was recalled to Ireland by his order. He left the mission in Africa with sadness , but obediently reported to his Bishop for a new assignment.

            “Francis, you have served the order well, and we feel the time has come to reward you with an assignment closer to your home.”

            “Ah, well, hardly anyone even remembers me there now that mum and sis are gone. What is it you would have me do?”

            “Francis, we need you to handle a delicate teaching position. You know we revived Saint Anne’s as an inner city girl’s school, correct?”

            The white haired priest nodded but tried to keep any surprise from his face.

            “Then you also know that we are trying to use “old school” ways to fight off the influences of all this modern culture?”

            Francis nodded once more.

            “We think that you, with your experience, are well suited to teach at Saint Anne’s and to serve as assistant headmaster. We would like for you to start with this fall’s term. Will you accept the posting?”

            “Of course, your Excellency. What will I be teaching?”

            “Please, Francis, my name is John. We would like for you to teach life and earth sciences. You are obviously qualified in those areas, and I think you can do the girls some good.”  

            “As you desire, your Excellency.”

***

            On the first day of classes, Father Mulcahey braced himself and briskly strode into the first hour class. There he found a sea of curious faces waiting to see their new old school priest. All were clad in Peter Pan collar blouses, plaid skirts, and Mary Janes. Still, Father Mulcahey knew no one would mistake this lot for the girls of his youth. One girl had what looked like an Insane Clown Posse t shirt peeking from under her blouse. Another had ears that looked as if the piercing machine were an automatic weapon.  On a third, Father Mulcahey thought the green hair was a mistake with the red and blue plaid.

            Placing his notes and text on the lectern, he referred to his seating chart and began immediately.

“Mary Margret, please stand up.” Four young women stood.

            “No, just the first one on the left.” Three sat.

            “Mary Margaret, what part of the human anatomy, when exposed to the correct stimulus, will expand seven times?”

            The young lady first looked stricken. Then Father Mulcahey noticed a blush begin to creep up from her collar. Soon her face was suffused in red and she looked down. Father Mulcahey feared he even heard a stifled giggle. Father Mulcahey quickly decided he did not want her to answer.

            “Mary Margaret, please sit down. Ann Marie, please stand up.”

            The freckle faced lass with green hair stood up.

            “Tell us, Ann Marie, what part of the human anatomy, when exposed to the correct stimulus, will expand seven times?”

            Beaming at the priest, the young woman gestured with her finger as she answered.

            “Why Father, that would be the pupil of the human eye.”

            “Very good, Ann Marie. Please sit down. Mary Margaret, please stand back up.”

            The original victim hesitantly rose.

            “Mary Margaret, I have but three things to say to you. First, you didn’t do the reading. Second, you have a dirty mind. And last, you are in for a life of bitter disappointment.”