Just funny stuff

[snagged in outlet 3]

The weather channel is defending the guy.  I couldn’t stop laughing. 

[ness]

A good friend and long-time colleague is retiring in a few weeks, and it has a lot of us old-timers scouring our e-mail archives looking for good stuff. Of course, most of it's inside jokes, but I thought this gem was worth sharing here: 

 

[Terrierman]

35 minutes ago, ness said:

A good friend and long-time colleague is retiring in a few weeks, and it has a lot of us old-timers scouring our e-mail archives looking for good stuff. Of course, most of it's inside jokes, but I thought this gem was worth sharing here: 

I see nothing.  Call me Sergeant Schultz.

[Johnsfolly]

2 hours ago, Terrierman said:

I see nothing.  Call me Sergeant Schultz.

I've got nothin here either😒.

[ness]

14 hours ago, Johnsfolly said:

I've got nothin here either😒.

I'll try this again. Not sure what went wrong. 

[Johnsfolly]

Ness - I heard that one before, but still makes me laugh!

[ness]

Alright, here's another from the e-mail archives.

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some  classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

 "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed whacker?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed whacker, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a  family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed whacker!"

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed whacker?"

"No."

"Fag."

(There's probably a more politically-correct way to end that these days, but I think most OAFs are pretty thick-skinned.)

[Johnsfolly]

From Bob Uecher:

Two ball players decide to try duck hunting. They get all the gear and head out to the swamp at O dark thirty. They are out there all day. No shots fired and no ducks. As they are getting ready to leave the one turns to the other and asks why didn't we get any ducks? The other says I don't know. Maybe we aren't throwing the dog high enough.

[Johnsfolly]

I was reminded of an old joke.

An 80 year old man gets a call from the IRS. the agent tells him that they are concerned about his bank account since there are large swings of money going into and out of his account. So they want to have the old man come in and discuss this situation and the agent tells him that they may have to a full blown audit. They agree to meet Monday morning at 9 am. The old man thinks that this may be a bit serious so he contacts his lawyer to go with him on Monday.

On Monday morning the old man and his lawyer are in the agent's office at 9 am. The agent tells both men that the reason that they are concerned is that there are large deposits and withdrawals from the old man's account. The agent asks the old man what he thinks is going on.

The old man says "Well i like to gamble a bit and these are winning and losses."

The agent says that some of these transactions are tens of thousands of dollars.

The old man replies that in his old age, he isn't that concerned about the money and wants some excitement before he lays down and dies.

The agent asks him what types of bets could he have that would result in these kinds of winnings and losses. The old man say I'll bet you $5000 that I can bite my own eye!

The agent accepts the bet. The old man pulls out a glass eye and goes ahead and bites his own eye. The agent can't believe that he lost that bet.

The old man says don't worry I'll will let you win your money back and more. I'll bet you $7500 that I can bite my other eye!

Now the agent looks at the old man and decides that he doesn't look blind. so he can't have two glass eyes. The agent takes the bet.

The old man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye. The old man immediately says that he has one more bet for double or nothing. He says go ahead and put you trash can next to the wall behind your desk and I will bet that I can pee over your desk into the trash can and not get a drop on you desk. The agent can't believe that his old man would be able to pee that far. So he sees this as a way to keep his money and accepts the bet.

The old man pulls down his pants and pees all over the agent's desk wetting down everything on his desk. the agent shouts with glee that he told the man that he couldn't get to the trash can. At that time the Lawyer groans and puts his head in his hands. The agent asked the lawyer what was wrong. The lawyer told him that the old man bet the lawyer $100 thousand dollars that he could pee all over the agent's desk and the agent would be happy to have him do that! 

[ness]

Oh, the 70's!