Just funny stuff

[snagged in outlet 3]

2 hours ago, fishinwrench said:

They'll never get THEIRS either.   

Matter of fact..... they'll get YOURS before they get THEIRS.

Fact 

[Daryk Campbell Sr]

[Johnsfolly]

right back at you @Daryk Campbell Sr

A dad went and picked up his son from school. Knowing that his son had auditioned for a part in the school play and that the part assignments were out today, he asked his son if he got a part.

"Yeah I did get a part dad. I am going to play a man that has been married for 20 years!"

"That's great son! Keep up the good work and in future plays you may get a speaking role!"🤣

[bfishn]

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd fell on hard times and, after careful planning, broke into the local distillery to rob it. Unsure of what was in all the unmarked barrels, Daffy asked, "Is this whiskey?"

"Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank", replied Elmer.

[kjackson]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[Johnsfolly]

@kjackson Similar joke

An man heard activity in his shed and he found that two guys were in the process of stealing some of his tools and equipment. He was able to close and lock the shed door trapping the men inside the shed.

He called 911 and told the police that he had the two men trapped in his shed. The dispatcher stated that all of the officers in that area were busy and unable to get to the man's property before 45 to 60 mins. The man hung up. He called back after about 5 mins. He told the dispatcher to not send any officers since he shot and killed the intruders.

Within 10 mins his place was surrounded by officers. The man was ordered to open the shed, which he did and the two robbers were there and both were alive. The lead officer was very angry and shouted at the man that he lied about shooting the two robbers. The man responded, "Well you lied about being busy!" 🤣

[budman]

Johnsfolly this really happen to me. Several years back I had gone out dove hunting but got rained out and came home early. When I walked into my house I notice all the kitchen cabinet doors and drawers open and thought this is strange, what was the wife doing before she went to work. When I walked around the corner I notice a lot of my belongings in a pile in the living room and a pillow case next to the pile. Then I realized I was being robbed. I backed out of the house and called the sheriff and told them what was happening and was ask if I would be home later in the afternoon. I told the dispatcher I had just come back from hunting and loaded my shotgun and was going back into my house to check it out. She advised me not to do that and I said I could not wait until the afternoon to get back in my house and I hung up and walked in. Found the back door was open and no one was inside. I must have scared them off when I opened the garage door. Within 10 a sheriff showed up with his gun drawn and started questioning me, like I was the one who broke in. Took several minutes to convince his I was the home owner. Cops don't trust anybody, even another cop.

[snagged in outlet 3]

6 hours ago, budman said:

Johnsfolly this really happen to me. Several years back I had gone out dove hunting but got rained out and came home early. When I walked into my house I notice all the kitchen cabinet doors and drawers open and thought this is strange, what was the wife doing before she went to work. When I walked around the corner I notice a lot of my belongings in a pile in the living room and a pillow case next to the pile. Then I realized I was being robbed. I backed out of the house and called the sheriff and told them what was happening and was ask if I would be home later in the afternoon. I told the dispatcher I had just come back from hunting and loaded my shotgun and was going back into my house to check it out. She advised me not to do that and I said I could not wait until the afternoon to get back in my house and I hung up and walked in. Found the back door was open and no one was inside. I must have scared them off when I opened the garage door. Within 10 a sheriff showed up with his gun drawn and started questioning me, like I was the one who broke in. Took several minutes to convince his I was the home owner. Cops don't trust anybody, even another cop.

Home later in the afternoon?!?!    Flowers!    Were you worried they would come back at another time?

[fishinwrench]

11 hours ago, budman said:

Johnsfolly this really happen to me. Several years back I had gone out dove hunting but got rained out and came home early. When I walked into my house I notice all the kitchen cabinet doors and drawers open and thought this is strange, what was the wife doing before she went to work. When I walked around the corner I notice a lot of my belongings in a pile in the living room and a pillow case next to the pile. Then I realized I was being robbed. I backed out of the house and called the sheriff and told them what was happening and was ask if I would be home later in the afternoon. I told the dispatcher I had just come back from hunting and loaded my shotgun and was going back into my house to check it out. She advised me not to do that and I said I could not wait until the afternoon to get back in my house and I hung up and walked in. Found the back door was open and no one was inside. I must have scared them off when I opened the garage door. Within 10 a sheriff showed up with his gun drawn and started questioning me, like I was the one who broke in. Took several minutes to convince his I was the home owner. Cops don't trust anybody, even another cop.

I once came home from work to find my house in the exact same condition with a note on the table.  Turned out that my live-in, no job/no ambition girlfriend had decided to bail. 

4 days later she called announcing her sorrow and her plans to come back "home".   

After considering her dramatic exit...... leaving all the drawers and cabinets open, ect.  I declined that decision and changed the locks on all the doors. 🙄

[Johnsfolly]

I don't often go the extra mile. When I do it is usually because I missed my exit. 🤣

Interviewer; What do you make at your current job? Myself: Usually mistakes and inappropriate comments! 🤣

A new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I found that interesting since I don't remember the last time that I ate a monkey! 🤣